Have I Got Matrix News For You
by Cinn
Summary: An idea I came up, surprisingly, and now it's a fic. Please R&R.


Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with the film or T.V. show apart from the ability to watch it and owning some merchandise (ie videos)  
  
Cinn: Yo all, this is a new thing I decided to come up with. It'll be very dificult, but seeing as exams are pretty much finished I feel like a challenge. Anyways, it's a " Have I Got News For You" and "Matrix" crossover.

* * *

" Hello, and welcome to Have I Got News For You. " Morpheus anounced, " First I would bring you news of certain things but seeing as though pictures are not yet available on this, it would be imensly dificult. "  
  
" When are you gonna get round to introducing us? It better be before I drink all this water? " Sparks asked.  
  
" On Ian Hislop's team is The One, also known as Neo. " Morpheus continued, " And on Paul Merton's team is Operator of the Logos, Sparks. "  
  
{clapping}  
  
" Now, first is the video clip round. " Morpheus started,  
  
" Now how are you gonna do that without a video to show? " Sparks asked stupidly,  
  
" We have the clip, the people at home might just have trouble seeing it. "  
  
" Oh, but that doesn't make it any easier. " Sparks replied to Morpheus.  
  
" As you can see we have a few technical errors which will of course be corrected by the next episode. " Morpheus stated to the audience.  
  
" Hang on, isn't this just sound check? " Ian asked,  
  
" No it's not, the lights failed remember, when they do that it's a signal to start. " Paul replied.  
  
" Oh yes. "  
  
" What this ISN'T sound check? You're supposed to tell the directors and technical supervisors that BEFORE starting! " Shouted Trinity from off-stage.  
  
" Just 'cause you didn't get on on the first episode! " Neo said mockingly.  
  
" Shut-up! "  
  
" Make me! Seeing as though you can't come on here and do anything! "  
  
" Until afterwards. "  
  
" Don't you just love these conversation between Neo and Trinity, no one would believe that they were acctually lovers.. " Sparks said sarcasticly.  
  
" They are? Hey are we getting points for this? " Paul asked,  
  
" No. " Morpheus replied harshly. " Now, let's start again.... "  
  
" Hello, and welcome to Have I Got News For You. " Morpheus anounced, " First I bring you news that there is worry that a tab of ecstasy has been slipped into Thora Hurd's cocoa....  
  
{a video clip of a party with an old woman doing a very old dance, which now looks insane.}  
  
" And that the latest plans to assasinate Saddam were devised by George Bush himself....  
  
{a video clip of a fancy dress compitition with a very badly dressed up pair trying to be a camel.}  
  
" On Ian Hislop's Team, also known as The One, is Neo. And on Paul Merton's team is Sparks, which you'll find on the Logos being the operator. "  
  
{clapping}  
  
" So there's a sensible guy on my team for once? " Paul asked,  
  
" There's nothing sensible about Sparks, believe me on this one. " Morpheus replied in a matter-of-fact tone.  
  
" Proud of it. " Sparks quickly said as a defence.  
  
" Well, first of all a clip for Ian and Neo... "  
  
{a clip of a tree falling over in a wood appears which canges to people trying to move a tree off the line. Then workmen cleaning the line with a mop, then someone replacing a wire. Then a man and a woman sitting on the sofa looking forwards and talking.}  
  
" Their telly's been cut of. They're talking to each other.. " Ian commented.  
  
" This is what classifies as a natural disaster in England. " Neo started,  
  
" You have to have everything bigger don't you? " Ian asked sarcasticly,  
  
" Yes, we do. But you could tell it was very forceful because the men in the orange vests were acctually moving. " Neo replied,  
  
{laughs}  
  
" Yes this WAS the storm that was in England this week. For a point anyone know what blew away in the storm? " Morpheus said,  
  
" The English rail system? " Ian replied,  
  
{more laughs}  
  
" I once did one of those rail journies in India, took 3 weeks and I think we were traveling the whole time! " Ian started telling them, " There was a brilliant woman on our train, we'd been waiting all these hours to get to the station and they put on extra people to check the tickets, And this woman said ' You don't deserve our tickets!' and we surged forwards! That's revolution me style. "  
  
{laughs}  
  
" What else blew away in the storm? " Morpheus asked, greeted to silence, " I'll give you a clue. An Inflatable Ronald Macdonald. "  
  
" Is it an Inflatable Ronald Macdonald? " Paul asked. Greeted to a nod from Morpheus. " I think we're gonna win this. " He said to Sparks.  
  
" Yes, and it landed on a rail and apparently it was the wrong type of inflatable clown. What else happened? " Morpheus asked yet again.  
  
" Bearded Ladies puching each other? " Sparks asked  
  
" Yes that certainly happened. " Morpheus replied, " Point for you. But did no one hear about the fish? "  
  
" A flounder! Some guy found a flounder in his garden and he put it in a buclet of water and it started swimming around. " Paul said knowingly,  
  
" And he got on his bike and rode as fast as he could to the nearest aquarium. " Sparks added, " I mean what sort of weirdo does that? Right I've got my emergancy pages where's the nearest aquarium? You know, just incase! "  
  
" He certainly knew all about it didn't he. He phoned his local aquarium and said ' I've found a four inch flounder, Free-Fall Freddie the Flat Fish.' It's a good job it didn't land in Gareth Gates garden. I've f.f.f.foun.. Doesn't matter it's dead now. "  
  
{laughter, then a picture comes up of an old man with a beard, on a bike with a yellow bucket on the back}  
  
" He's acctually just a very cheap down-market low budget Santa. " Paul said jokingly.  
  
{laughs}  
  
" Sparks, Paul, what's this? "  
  
{clip of Iain Duncan Smith being a D.J. - commented by Sparks - then some guy on the news, then Borris, then Parliament which was all blurred}  
  
" There's Hogwart School of Witchcraft. " Paul said, " Did someone spill acid over Parliament, because they're all sort of wafting around. I have never taken any drugs in any way, shape or form, please let me come back. "  
  
" It's the tory leadership crisis. " Sparks added, " You're a tea totaler aren't you? "  
  
" Yep, hense the water tonight. "  
  
" Any reason? "  
  
" I'm just a very dull man. " Paul replied to Spark's questions,  
  
" Never been tempted? "  
  
" Is this what you do? Introduce harder and harder substanses and eventually take over every comedy job in the world? "  
  
" Is it that transparent? " Sparks asked innocently.  
  
" Enough about that. Ian, Neo. What is this? "  
  
{clip showing Winona Ryder in a shopping mall trying on diffrent hats and stuff.}  
  
" That's Winona Ryder, this is her new film where she set's free a bra. Featuring the voices of Eddie Murphie and some other dude as D-cups. Most of the voiceover is the bra, out in the wilderness trying to find.. the breast that killed it's father. " Neo stated flatly  
  
{laughs}  
  
" NEO! What have I told you about talking about these things... " Trinity shouted from backstage.  
  
" I wasn't talking about you! " Neo replied,  
  
" Oh, you still shouldn't talk about such things and get me confused. "  
  
" Shut-up. "  
  
" Anyways, did anyone hear the defence of the shop-lifting? " Morpheus asked interupting them,  
  
" That she was rehersing for a role... " Sparks said in a I'm-a-genius voice.  
  
" So does that mean if you commit a crime if you can somehow link it to your job it's O.K.? " Paul asked,  
  
" Worth a try. " Morpheus commented,  
  
" So if you're murdering someone with a hammer and you say 'I'm a master cobbler, I was just having a little practise' you'll get away with it? " Paul joked,  
  
" Don't see why not? " Morpheus replied, " Anyways, Paul, Sparks, what's this? "  
  
{clip of a huge pink painting, then a black blob, then a roof of multi coloured tiles - a fancy disco chip shop as Sparks put it - then more pictures.}  
  
" It's the Turner exibition. " Paul said,  
  
" Yes, entries? "  
  
" Yeah, it was a, er, it was, erm. Yeah. " Sparks said trying to discribe the weird pink painting.  
  
" You're about as discriptional as the artists! " Ian joked,  
  
" It was a pornagraphic scribbling thing called arse-woman in butt-land... "  
  
" Arse-woman in wonder-land. " Morpheus corrected Sparks,  
  
" I'm just a touch dyslexic, and the minister of culter wrote a note and pinned it to the wall. "  
  
" Yep. And that's the end of that round, and the scores are, 5 to Neo and Ian and 8 to Paul and Sparks. " Moprheus told everyone.  
  
{clapping}  
  
" Round 2, here's your headline Ian, Neo. " Morpheus said,  
  
[The Bra's The Star.]  
  
" It's the motor-show advert. Which is a woman in lingerie that says there are other ways to a man's heart, down the m6 and off at junction 4. " Ian replied,  
  
" But what if you live under the m6? " Asked Paul, " Because then you'd have to go up the m6, and that'd be wrong. "  
  
" Yeah, you might have to go m1, m4 cut across... " Sparks agreed,  
  
" You sound like my uncle I can get this at home! " Ian said,  
  
" You can't get that at home though can you? " Sparks asked rhetorically pointing at the poster.  
  
" Sparks you pervert... Shut-up and what's this, Paul feel free to answer too. "  
  
[Dear Saddam...]  
  
" Saddam had his email hacked into.. " Sparks started,  
  
" And it suddenly became open so anyone can now email him.. " Ian interupted, " So arms manufacturers are just flooding him with emails.. "  
  
" I'm sure Bush must be emailing him a lot. " Neo said, " Oh yes, we're right around the corner.. "  
  
" Do not dis-underestimate me. " Paul said.  
  
Ian, Paul and Sparks laugh and Neo and Morpheus just stare at them blankly - because Neo and Morpheus are american so don't get the George Bush and gramma thing -  
  
" Well, after that slightly strange round the scores are 12 and 14. " Morpheus said, " Now the odd one out round. Paul and Sparks you 4 are, John Major, Prince William, Conda Lisa Rice and Jonathan Dimbleby. "  
  
" Prince William is at university at the moment, Conda Lisa Rice has more degrees you can shake a stick at Jonathan Dimbleby went to university, and John Major didn't. " Paul said knowingly,  
  
" So the odd one out is? " Morpheus asked,  
  
" John Major. "  
  
" Do you want a clue? That's my way of telling you it's comletely wrong. "  
  
" I rekon it's simpler than that. They're all touching their faces except for William, we'll have our points now, don't even disscuss it. " Sparks said  
  
" They're generally not that easy " Ian stated, " Is it they've all got embarasing brothers? Acctually no, they've all had a dish named after them, so I'll go for Dimbleby, or Prince Andrew. "  
  
" Prince Andrew's the answer. Prince Andrew's the answer because he's not there! How long have you been playing this game? " Morpheus said, " They've all had a dish named after them apart from Conda Lisa Rice, who's had something else named after her. For a point anyone know what? "  
  
" Is it the new Ford Conda Lisa? " Sparks asked,  
  
" You'd think so because the names exactly the same, but no. She's had an oil tanker named after her. Ian, Neo your four are, Bladamia Putin, Margret Thacher, Edwina Currie and Mary Archer. "  
  
" They've all studied chemestry at Oxford apart from Putin. " Said Sparks knowingly.  
  
" Correct, and what happened to Margret thacher's statue? " Morpheus asked,  
  
" It was attacked, and decapitated. " Ian replied,  
  
" Yes, and what was used? "  
  
" Was it a ruler? " Ian asked,  
  
" A ruler? " Paul said astonsihed,  
  
" Yes, a teacher was furious at Margret thacher for the past decade and just lost it. Didn't he use a criket bat? "  
  
" Yes, and then a metal pole. " Morpheus replied,  
  
" shut-up about poles!!!!!! " Sparks muttered annoyed,  
  
" So he walked into a museum with a criket bat and a metal pole... "  
  
" SHUT-UP ABOUT POLES!!!! " Sparks shouted,  
  
" 'Where is the statue of Margret Thacher' he asks. " Paul said,  
  
" Over there sir. " Ian continued,  
  
" Would you like to borrow a step-ladder? " Paul finished.  
  
{laughs}  
  
" so at the end of that round the scores are Ian and Neo 14 and Sparks and Paul 16. " Morpheus told. " Now just the missing words to go, what's this? "  
  
: Call me "what" says prisoner :  
  
" Call me 'I'm at home' says prisoner? " Ian asked,  
  
" Mister Anderson! " the fimiliar voice of Smith was suddenly heard in the studio...  
  
" Sir? Mister? " Neo asked,  
  
" You were almost with there with mister, so I'll give a point to you. "  
  
: Call me 'Mr prisoner' says prisoner :  
  
" What's this one then? " Morpheus asked,  
  
: Horse used to make "what" :  
  
" Horse Raddish? " Neo asked,  
  
" It's a good answer but it's not right. " Morpheus replied,  
  
" Horse used to make a fortune betting on men? " Sparks suggested,  
  
{laughs}  
  
" No. "  
  
" Lasagne? " Ian asked,  
  
" And that says... " Morpheus started,  
  
: Horse used to make 'cheese' :  
  
" It was close. " Defended Ian.  
  
: "what" found in Blackpool :  
  
" Black water? " Suggested Neo.  
  
" Logical, but wrong. " Morpheus pointed out.  
  
" Intelligent signs of life? " Neo suggested,  
  
" You're being silly now. " Paul stated,  
  
" Is it something to do with birds? " Sparks asked unsurely,  
  
" Well let's look. " Morpheus said,  
  
: World's rarest bird found in blackpool :  
  
" Which acctually escaped from Blackpool Zoo. " Morpheus told,  
  
: Horses to have "what" by 2003 :  
  
" The vote, says Tony blair. " Ian suggested,  
  
" Masted the art of unicycling. " Sparks joked,  
  
" I'll give you a clue, it's a document you need when you go on holiday.. " Morpheus helped,  
  
" Passports! " Ian said quickly,  
  
" A what now? " Sparks asked, genuly unsure,  
  
" It's a picture so people can identify you.. Which would be totally hopless for a horse, a) because they'd all look the same, and b) they wouldn't fit into the little photo booths... " Paul stated,  
  
" Well passports WAS the answer, and here's the last one... " Morpheus interupted.  
  
: BBC T.V. host sacked in "what" scandel :  
  
" Is it monkey shaving? " Sparks started, " Oops, no one was meant to know about that were they? "  
  
" Isn't it a trick? In fact it is just a blob? " Ian asked,  
  
" Let's look. "  
  
: BBC T.V. host sacked in blob scandel :  
  
{clapping}  
  
" Well after all that, the over-all scores are Paul and Sparks 19 and Ian and Neo 21. Which means Ian and Neo are this weeks winners! " Morpheus exclaimed, " And before we leave tonight I bring you news that police are looking into the lightening theft of King Livingston's banana...  
  
{picture of man on sub coughing.}  
  
" and as the premier of the second Harry Potter film dawns there are fears that the stars are getting a bit past it...  
  
{3 old people dressed in Harry Potter outfits. (or similar)}  
  
" Goodnight. "

* * *

Cinn: Phew, I thought I'd never finish, but I did. Well I'd love to know what you think. By the way, it's basicly just a Have I Got News For You episode I've converted to having matrix characters on it instead. And I may do another I may not, depends how much I feel like another BIG challenge and how much feedback I get. Review please. I know this was quite a bad first chappie, but I will improve as I write more of it and get more used to it. 


End file.
